Conquering My Mountain and Giants: How Esports Changed My Life
Hey everyone!
My name is John, and I am an esports coach for EKUSO. For those of you unfamiliar with our program, we are an outsourced esports group that helps schools launch and operate their competitive gaming programs. I know that gaming often carries a negative stigma. It can be fairly lazy and unproductive. However, I believe gaming can build character, confidence, and connections. So let me share how my esports has changed my life.
At school, I was wrought with anxiety, hopelessness, and a pervading sense of worthlessness. My anxiety kept me from maintaining strong connections, and I wondered if I could ever amount to anything. I performed well in testing; projects could be good, but I had trouble turning anything in that didn’t fit my standard. With me, it was either all or nothing.
I remember Junior year when years of anxiety started to swell up, and truancy became an issue for me. My grades began to plummet to the point that my report card displayed a 0. I had always valued 90’s in the past, the counselors told me that 70’s were good, and I was later told, “D is for diploma!”. But that 0 hit differently. I felt like a failure, and in my mind, this was the physical proof. It made me question everything, including my worth. I didn’t interact with anyone, hardly ate, and slept to escape. My world was caving in. At that point, I tried out the private school arena utilizing a non-traditional learning style, and some things got better, but I remained stuck in a cycle of perfectionism, stress, and underperforming.
And then I heard about this new opportunity. Our school was promoting new clubs, and one of them was Ekuso Esports. I recognized the student leader, Tori, as one of my history classmates, and the chance to play with a dedicated group immediately captivated me. Over the years, I had some online friends, but my anxiety gradually caused me to lose touch with them. I was hoping this time would be different.
After some hesitation and some overthinking, I nervously sent him a message…. And I got in! In the weeks leading up to our first practice, I spent hours prepping like a madman. I had watched almost every introductory video under the sun in nervous anticipation of that first day, but when that day came, I found an overly welcoming environment eager to help me learn. I didn’t know it yet, but Esports had just clicked.
Of course, with any team, there were tournaments and challenges. We stomped our first one, but soon after came the losses and the close wins too. I still couldn’t forgive myself for anything subpar, which in this case was any game short of a stomp or major comeback. Gaming actually has a term for this: tilt. It’s intense emotions of frustration, and everyone has their moments. In my case, I was good at owning my mistakes but was so hard on myself for making them that it was difficult to move past them.
That was until I had a fateful talk with our coach, Faith. He told me, “[…] responsibility isn’t just owning a mistake. It’s taking the steps to ensure it doesn’t happen next time”. That simple reframing was what I needed; something about the context of the game, and our coach made it click. I learned that mistakes are common and it is okay to make them but don’t beat yourself up. Instead, focus on fixing those mistakes. Use them as a tool to become better.
From then on, I put much more effort into growing. I spent less time bogged down by mistakes and more time practicing with the team and moving forward. I even gave school an honest try again, although I was drowning in 3 years’ worth of catchup work by then. It wasn’t perfect, nothing is, but I was finding my footing.
Our efforts in esports culminated in a sweep at the nationals. I’ll never forget that moment after our final match when we were waiting for the audience stream to catch up, just grinning with excitement. I even remember Tori immediately leaving the stage to call his mother. The scholarships we won weren’t life-changing, but mine was everything to me. I had spent so long stuck in a depressive rut, and now I finally had a taste of success and a tangible piece of hope. And hey, who doesn’t like a trophy?
Afterward, I opted to pursue an education away from school, and I continued my journey with Ekuso. I had never imagined working for Ekuso, but one quick favor soon landed me an internship. Here, I would have to develop grit and a diverse array of skills. I learned to edit videos, coordinate stream productions, and how to mentor others. Even though it was daunting, I continued to persevere, iterate, and grow until my internship grew into the coaching position I have today.
My experience may have been one of extremes, but I can speak for everyone in saying esports has been an experience like no other. For most, it’s a place to express themselves, grow, and learn through the pursuit of victory, and I believe it uniquely serves as a platform for those who can’t find the words to reach out. For me, esports was the tool I needed to start conquering my mountain and giants, and it has been an invaluable experience in restoring my confidence.
As a coach, I continue to fight my perfectionism and anxiety. It can be hard knowing that I don’t know everything, but I continue to get up, learn, and inspire others.
I’m thankful to Ekuso and esports for giving me a medium to grow. I love this community to death, and I’m excited to see how esports continues to impact the people around me.
Let’s go 🙂
